Vanessa Salles · RTT® Practitioner
Train How to Act
Instead of React
The Three Questions That Shape Your Emotional Life
Two tools to integrate into your daily life
The FMA — Focus · Meaning · Action : the three questions that shape every emotional experience
The S.U.I. — Survival · Useful · Imagined : your rescue kit to step out of a negative state in real time
At a Glance
Focus
What am I focusing on?
What we focus on, we get more of.
Focus = Feeling
- Your reality glasses filter everything you see
- You can consciously choose where to direct your attention
Meaning
What meaning am I giving this?
What we give meaning to shapes our experiences.
Meaning = Emotion
- It is never the event — it is the story we attach to it
- You can choose a more empowering meaning
Action
What am I going to do?
How we act is always aligned with our beliefs.
Focus + Meaning give rise to Action and create Experience
Focus → Meaning → Emotion → Action → Results → Experiences → Perceptions → Beliefs → Focus
- Your actions create results and experiences
- Those experiences shape your perceptions and reinforce your beliefs
Tool · The S.U.I. Check
When you enter a negative state, pause and ask:
S — Survival · U — Useful · I — Imagined
- S — Am I in survival mode? Is my life actually in danger?
- U — Is this state useful right now?
- I — Is this imagined? Am I in the past or the future?
- If not — return to the present and consciously choose your focus
Introduction
Everything we do — or don't do — is because we expect to feel a certain way.
Think about it for a moment.
If your daily emotional state is mostly made up of stress, frustration, worry, anger or overwhelm — you cannot expect to have a happy, fulfilling experience of life. Not because something is wrong with you, but because your emotional state derives directly from your thinking. And you simply cannot think bad and feel good.
It doesn't work that way.
You can have success, loving relationships, financial security — and still feel like something is missing, because the lens through which you experience your life is shaped not by what you have, but by what you habitually think and feel.
The good news? This is not fixed. And it is not random. You can choose. You can decide. And that changes everything.
We live in a world that asks us to be certain before we act. Certain before we commit. Certain before we change.
But here is the truth: uncertainty is not the enemy. It is simply where growth lives.
When we don't know what comes next, our mind tends to do what it was built to do — it focuses on what could go wrong, creates fearful meanings, and activates old survival responses. This is not weakness. This is biology.
The question is not how to eliminate uncertainty. The question is how to stop letting it run the show.
Because the more you can stay present, regulate your emotions and consciously choose your focus in moments of not-knowing — the more freedom, resilience and possibility open up for you.
What if confidence was never about having all the answers? What if it is simply the ability to remain connected to yourself — even when you don't know exactly what comes next?
"The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably live with." — Tony Robbins
We Are All Living Through Three Questions
Our emotional lives are largely shaped by three questions that we continuously answer all day long, often without even realising it:
- What am I focusing on?
- What meaning am I giving this?
- What am I going to do?
Over time, we develop unconscious rules about how to behave in certain situations — and the beautiful news is that we can upgrade all three. We can consciously choose a different focus, a more empowering meaning, and new ways of responding. This is where transformation begins.
Change your focus, and you change your feelings. Change the meaning, and you change your emotions. Change your emotions, and you change your actions, your experiences and eventually your life.
Question 1
What Am I Focusing On?
Two people can live through the exact same situation and feel completely differently about it. Not because one is right and the other wrong — but because we all wear our own reality glasses.
These glasses are invisible to us. Shaped by our past experiences, our beliefs, our wounds and our stories — they filter everything we see without us even knowing it. They delete what doesn't fit. They distort what feels threatening. They generalise what feels familiar.
And all the while, we believe we are simply seeing reality as it is. But we are not seeing reality. We are seeing our version of it.
This is why changing your focus is not about positive thinking. It is about becoming aware of the glasses you are wearing — and choosing, consciously, where to direct your attention.
Two common focus patterns
A striking observation: in rooms of thousands of people, Tony Robbins noticed that nearly 95% of people focus more on what is missing than on what they have.
And here is the crucial insight: if your brain is constantly focusing on what is missing — no matter how much you achieve, no matter what you have — you cannot sustain happiness. It is simply not possible. You cannot feel joy, satisfaction or any elevated emotion about something that, in your mind, does not yet exist.
1. Focusing on what's missing
- What I don't have
- What isn't working
- What should be different
- What I'm still waiting for
This creates frustration, scarcity, dissatisfaction — the feeling that nothing is ever enough.
2. Focusing on what you already have
- What is going well
- What you appreciate
- What is already working
- The people, experiences and strengths that enrich your life
This creates gratitude, joy, abundance and energy.
Nothing in your life truly exists emotionally until you focus on it. Where attention goes, emotion follows.
Focus = Feeling
Every thought creates an emotional response and a physical reaction. They are always aligned.
- Focus on danger → you feel anxious
- Focus on loss → you feel sad
- Focus on what is missing → you feel dissatisfied
- Focus on possibilities → you feel hopeful
- Focus on what you appreciate → you feel grateful
- Focus on what is working → you feel more resourceful
A simple practice
The next time you notice that you are feeling stressed, anxious, frustrated, upset or overwhelmed, pause. Instead of asking "How do I get rid of this feeling?" — ask yourself:
Try to find the thought, the image, the memory or the pattern that generated the feeling. If your thoughts, feelings and behaviours are aligned — congratulate yourself. Your system is working exactly as it was designed to work.
When you feel bad: don't fight the emotion
Step 1
Congratulate Your System
Ask: What am I thinking about? What feeling is that creating? What does that feeling make me want to do? If your thought, your feeling and your behaviour all match — your system is working beautifully. You are not broken.
Step 2
Validate the Emotion
Emotional agility is not about denying emotions. It is about acknowledging them, listening to them and using the information they provide. You do not have to talk yourself out of your feelings.
Step 3
Understand What the Emotion Is Trying to Do
Emotions have a purpose. They are information, guidance and very often protection. Fear says: stay away. Anger says: something matters here. Sadness says: you have lost something important.
Step 4
Choose Your Next Thought
Once you have acknowledged your emotion and understood its message, you have a choice. Look for a slightly better feeling thought — or simply change the subject for a while, let your nervous system settle, and return to the situation from a calmer state.
Three focus habits to train
1. Focus more on what you have than on what is missing.
Train your mind to notice what is already working, what you appreciate, the people and strengths that enrich your life.
2. Focus more on what you can control.
You cannot control other people's behaviour or the past. You can control your responses, your attention, your choices, and the meaning you give to events.
3. Balance the present and the future.
Tony Robbins puts it clearly: if you want pleasure and joy → live in the present. If you want to create a great life → direct your gaze toward the future. It is not one or the other — it is both. Living in the past keeps you stuck. The present-future balance is what creates a life that is both fulfilling today and meaningful tomorrow.
Question 2
What Meaning Am I Giving This?
The moment something happens, we automatically give it a meaning. The event is often the same. The meaning is different. And the meaning creates the emotion.
Change the meaning and you change how you feel.
The story creates the feeling
It is rarely the event itself that creates our emotions. It is the meaning, the significance, the story we attach to the event.
Imagine you are extremely thirsty after walking in forty-degree heat. Someone hands you a simple glass of tap water. Suddenly your thoughts become: "This is exactly what I needed. How refreshing!" You feel genuinely grateful and happy. Nothing changed — the glass is the same, the water is the same — but the meaning changed entirely, and so did the experience.
The good news about meaning
The meanings you carry today are not fixed. Many were created unconsciously through your experiences, upbringing, beliefs and past stories. But as an adult, you can consciously create new meanings. You can update old stories. You can upgrade old interpretations.
This does not mean pretending that painful things are wonderful. It means recognising that there are many possible interpretations and consciously choosing meanings that are more supportive, more empowering and more aligned with the person you are becoming.
Because the stories you tell yourself matter. They shape how you feel. And how you feel shapes how you live.
Question 3
What Am I Going To Do?
Emotions are not just feelings. They prepare us for action. Every emotion gives us two things:
- A direction: move towards or move away
- An amount of energy: move slowly or move quickly
The situation may be exactly the same, but the actions are different because the emotional state is different.
Your future self as a compass
If you want to know what to do differently — try this.
Close your eyes for a moment. Imagine a future version of you who already has, or already is, what you deeply desire. This version exists. See them clearly.
Now look at that picture. What is different? How do they carry themselves? What do they think? What do they feel? How do they move through the world?
Notice the gap between where you are now and where they are. That gap is not a problem — it is information. It is showing you exactly what to think differently, what to feel differently, and what to do differently.
Your future self is not a fantasy. They are a living blueprint — a detailed map of the exact thoughts, feelings and actions that will take you there. Every image, every detail you notice, every difference you feel is a step on the path. You don't have to figure it all out. You just have to follow the compass.
The S.U.I. Check
When you notice you are entering a negative state, ask yourself:
S — Survival
Am I in survival mode?
Is my fight-flight-freeze response activated? If my life is genuinely in danger — protect myself and act. If not, continue.
Take a moment. Notice if something shifts — even slightly. Does your body feel a little less tense? Is there a little more space?
U — Useful
Is this state useful right now?
Is it helping me think clearly or bringing me closer to the outcome I want? If not, continue.
Pause here. Is the intensity of the feeling already a little different from when you started?
I — Imagined
Is this imagined?
Am I imagining a future scenario that has not happened yet, or replaying the past? If yes, gently bring yourself back into the present moment. Then consciously choose your focus again.
Come back to right now. This moment. Notice what is actually here — not what your mind was creating. How does that feel, compared to a few moments ago?
A Daily Practice
Whenever you notice yourself feeling stressed, frustrated or overwhelmed, pause and ask yourself:
- What am I feeling?
- What am I focusing on?
- What meaning or story am I giving this?
- What action is this emotional state preparing me to take?
- Is this where I want to go?
You are the captain of your ship. You may not control the weather or the waves, but you can take hold of the steering wheel and gently adjust your course.
In summary
- Focus creates feelings.
- Meaning creates emotions.
- Emotions drive actions.
- Actions create experiences and results.
- Experiences shape perceptions.
- Perceptions reinforce beliefs.
- Beliefs shape identity.
- And identity influences everything that follows.
Transformation happens when we consciously upgrade our focus, our meanings and our habitual responses until they become aligned with the person we are becoming.
This is what training looks like.
Every time you pause before reacting — you step out of automatic response mode. Every time you notice the survival response and choose not to follow it — you take back control. Every time you consciously choose your focus, your meaning, your next thought — you are making a decision, not just following a program.
You start creating your experiences more and more consciously.
This is life mastery.
And the more you do this, the more natural it becomes. The more you practice, the more you trust yourself. The more you trust yourself, the more confident you feel. The more confident you feel, the more you act from choice — not from fear, not from habit, not from the past.
One conscious decision at a time — one step toward living an exciting and fulfilling life experience.
This is how you stop reacting — and start acting.
This is how you train.
Every challenging moment is a practice moment.
Not a problem to escape. Not a sign that something is wrong.
A playground. An invitation to choose differently.
This is how you train. This is how you change.
Your playground starts here.
